Photo by garlandcannon.
Life really opens up once you give yourself permission to live it. It’s one of those things where you didn’t know what you were missing out on until you actually experience it.
I don’t have a profound story detailing the moment I realized this. Of how I was exploring under the stars, looking up at the moon and I thought to myself, “Holy shit, you’re the only one who is holding you back. You really can live the life you dream about if you’d just step the fuck out of the way!”
It started somewhere around the time of my last blog post about fear sabotaging me once again I noticed something clicked. All of the reading, journaling, deep thinking, random conversations, following of the intuition, silence, doing nothingness, had re-inspired something in me.
These past two years have been a blur. And not in an action packed way. Don’t get me wrong, good times have been had all throughout. But there hasn’t been any soul-shaking, ground breaking life change. Maybe for the best and in preparation for the changes underway. I started living a comfortable life. I found a cozy home in a neighborhood I love, a full-time ‘big kid job’ in digital marketing that’s helping me grow professionally and I generally enjoy, started a relationship with someone I care deeply about, reconnected with friends and family. All beautiful things, but at the end of the day this is not the life I imagined for myself. My day dreams include a little more adventure.
Maybe you read that and thought, “Pf, yea well, that’s life.” Well, I have a different outlook on things. Maybe it’s my millennial instincts that keep me dreaming of a more fulfilling life but I’m not doing so well at settling for the next best thing. Comfort is a wonderful thing for a while, don’t get me wrong. It helps me recharge and keep grounded. But I’m too restless for permanent contentment. I need new, I need challenge, expansion, room to live.
OK, let me get off my soap box and back to the permission thing.
After reconnecting with a future filled with optimism, travel, freedom and pixie dust (for good measure), it finally made sense. The reason why I’ve been so far off from living a life of my own creation is because I let go of the reigns. I stopped trying so hard to make a difference in the way my life direction went because I truly didn’t believe it was possible—for me at least. Living a life of freedom, traveling, doing work that truly lights me up, being able to actually LIVE my damn life (you know, doing stuff like getting out to see the sunshine mid-day…and taking afternoon naps). For some reason my brain was convinced that was possible for other people, but not me.
Until it finally made sense. I’d read it a million times, it wasn’t unfamiliar, but it never was my truth. I never fully believed that is certainly is possible for me to have all of the aforementioned. All it took was actually believing it and suddenly I was granted permission. Simple as that. (Actually hard af.)
If you’ve read any of my other blog posts you may have noticed I do this thing where I tend to doubt every other move I make in life. I get anxious then I write about it on the internet, then worry that I’m just sounding like a whiny, angst filled teen stuck on repeat, then do it again. I swear my life isn’t a bad one. I love the people in it and probably would be slightly more insane if they weren’t in my life.
But it’s also OK to want more. And I guess I never really noticed how much I’ve really been holding myself back from the more.
The quote, “In order to make a change you need to be aware of your own bullshit.” comes to mind. (Yes, I’m corntastic like that and love a good inspirational quote.) My own bullshit indeed. It’s funny how the mind can play tricks on you, shielding you from you own success.
So, what that means for now is a lot of time spent coming to terms with this newly granted permission and what it all entails. Essentially it’s back to the drawing board as I get back in touch with what I truly want out of life, in my relationships, my career and how I live each day. Reexamining the fine details that make up how I live my life, what my days are filled with and the types of people involved. Conscious creation I guess you could call it.
It’s about damn time I started connecting the dots that link my day dreams with reality and allowing myself to take action towards goals that have laid dormant for far too long. Some days it’s frustrating and all I want to do is throw my hands in the air and curse the universe as my patience wears. But it’s also been exhilarating. I feel a lot more alive again.