On Not Knowing What The Future Holds

let go

It seems every few days the topic of conversation turns  into something like, “So, where are you headed next? What’s the plan?”.  I would never consider myself a highly organized person or someone with an incessant need to plan every small detail of the future, but usually I have at least a drafted answer to dole out to the curious questioner. However, these days this question often leaves me to respond with a blank stare and a shoulder shrug.

There is no  itinerary or even a flight booked out of Australia.  All I have are a few vague ideas I cling to and ramble off almost like a script  in order to avoid the conversation as a whole. But the truth is I’m  content with my future as a blank slate.

A month ago panic  set in and I felt pressured to know it all. I realized almost a years time had passed and I hadn’t seen it all or done it all. I went through ups and downs almost daily, alternating between beating myself up for not having traveled more and  beaming with appreciation for the  people I’ve met and relationships I’ve grown.

After an exceptionally beautiful, caffeine fueled winter day (I’ve come to learn how positively affected I am by the sunshine) that had me on a natural high I decided I had enough of the inner battle; I  needed to let it all go. Constant grief was not only holding me back from enjoying my time left in Australia but it didn’t put me any closer to figuring out my next moves.

Of course, easier said than done. Having control over every aspect of our lives is what we’re taught to do. Setting 10 year plans while we’re barely  of legal age and expecting to have it all figured out as we begin the race to adulthood. It’s like if we don’t know the when, where, who, and why of life then we must have no direction and be wandering aimlessly. And maybe so.

For now I’m choosing to let things unfold as they will. Listening to what calls to me and makes my eyes light up; the synchronicity of life. Slowly I’m letting go of the should have’s and should be’s. Instead choosing to remind myself of all the positivity, strength, and inner knowledge  this past year has given me. With this I feel a growing confidence that whatever my future holds will be worthwhile. What’s next to come will be right for me just as the past 10 months have given me exactly what I needed at the right times and in the right doses.

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